I can remember very clearly the evening we found out we were going to have our first baby, it is something that will be with me forever. It was a moment of shared bliss which unexpectedly brought my partner and I closer together as a couple, and sent us on a new journey of discovery and joint purpose. This is the way the event unfolded for us.
We don’t live close to family, they are all at least a short flight away. This has is advantages and disadvantages. One of the definite pros though is we have a constant stream of visitors coming and living with us for a week or so. Its really nice.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn’t look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.
I spent a minute composing myself and having gotten my laughter under control, I went into the bathroom to check the little stick. We were pregnant, our first was on its way. Returning to the lounge, I gathered my wife in my arms and murmured, “We’re going to be parents sweetheart”.
This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a roller-coaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmuring quietly “we are going to be parents”, “you are going to be a mum”, “you are going to be a dad” and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
I’m glad our first evening was so special. Pretty quickly I realized out that I needed to work to protect these special moments as they popped up. As we started telling our family and friends, I realized that the world is packed with well meaning people, who want to make these moments their own. Further, as I was only the father, I seemed to be expendable in their eyes.
For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
Another constant was the well meaning woman telling us that in her experience of giving birth, that medical advice we were receiving was incorrect. Yes sure, she had her children over 30 years ago, but nothing has changed and she knew better. Ridiculous. The really impressive part of these experiences though is that as the father to be, my opinions and participation in the discussion was not required. Apparently I was completely superfluous when it came to these decisions being made in my family.
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a roller-coaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the “well meaning woman”, who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the “well meaning woman”. So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don’t think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad’s you know, it won’t take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
If you are facing such an issue at the moment, with a well meaning woman trying to marginalize you from being involved in the birth of your own child, there are two things in particular which you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, you need to protect your right to trust the medical information your health professionals are giving you. You need to make people aware that within your family, opinions on medical matters are off limits to them.
Secondly you need to protect the trust you have in yours and your wife’s instincts. These instincts are probably the most powerful tool you have as a couple during pregnancy. Your pregnancy, birth experience and child will not be the same as any other which has ever come before. Its unique to your situation and only your instincts are aligned with your experience. The well meaning woman’s instincts were very valid for her pregnancy, but that was a completely different experience to yours. So trust yourself and protect your partners trust in herself. Its important.
As you approach the birth of your first you are likely to bump into the well meaning woman. If you do, this may be small comfort, but you are not the first and will not be the last. Remember to trust your instincts all the time, they will most likely be right. And if it gets beyond the joke, find another father to discuss the issue with. I’m sure you’ll quickly find many who have faced similar challenges without needing to look too far, and get some quality advice on how to deal with it.
Damian Papworth as a new dad, reflects on some of the challenges he had to deal with a short time ago, when he was an expectant father for the first time.
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